I don't know what to do. Mitch can't find a job, its been 3 months, and we got one unemployment check before they said, no we wont send anymore. and why? who the fuck knows. Speaking of fuck, none of the parents in our neighborhood will let erik play with their kids because he keeps swearing, he never starting swearing all the time until he started hanging out with other kids.
So anything good that ever happens goes all to hell, and no i'm really not being dramatic. Mitch gets a job, oh no he got laid off, fired because he had the flu and couldn't go into work. So mitch gets on unemployed. Good now we can try to get back on track, with the little bit this helps out, oh no, sorry you cant get that anymore, for some reason why wont say. Erik found some kids his own age to play with, oh no, sorry we are actually really terrible judge mental people, and instead of trying to resolve our issues, we are just gonna alienate a 6 year old.
Okay, Sierra is gonna find a better job, something that mets my qualifications because i really desire better then a craft store. oh no, sorry you actually really suck at everything you do, and "could be getting paid less"
every single solution I can possible come up with to make our lives better, even a tiny bit happier, just falls apart. How things are right now, nothing is going to change, i will never have another baby, because if i'm not working i'm eating my feelings and trying not to cry and kill myself and mitch, so erik will be left with not such terrible people as parents. We will never move out because for some reason no one wants to hire me or mitch for things we know how to do. So this is it, and can i really deal with this? no i cant, and neither can mitch. maybe to end it is the better option, maybe erik will have parents who can teach him not to do everything his friends tell him to do, and can help with his add and obsessiveness and his anger. because i'm failing, just like i'm failing at everything else, both my jobs, being a wife, being a mother.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Google Search, How can I tell if I'm depressed?
Are you feeling depressed? here is a long list of symptoms you may or may not be feeling.
I know what depression is, I know what it feels like, I know how to get ride of it, and most of all I know it can turn its ugly little head my way at the most unpleasant times.
Now is for sure an unpleasant time, with no insurance and no way of paying for a way to help me feel normal again, it only ads to feeling of helplessness i have towards my own life.
So then what are the other options google search? do I eat my weight in chocolate and vent, blaming others are more accurately blaming the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Do I vent to a internet blog who holds no answer because surprising it does make me feel a little bit better.
But he will still walk into that door, i'll still have to plant on a happy face because it wont help him seeing me miserable.
It wont help his feeling of failure seeing how depressed I am. Feeling this way doesn't help anything, it wont make anything better, but never the less, there it is. Like black mold, you never see it until its too late, but you know something is off because there is a funky smell in the air.
I know what depression is, I know what it feels like, I know how to get ride of it, and most of all I know it can turn its ugly little head my way at the most unpleasant times.
Now is for sure an unpleasant time, with no insurance and no way of paying for a way to help me feel normal again, it only ads to feeling of helplessness i have towards my own life.
So then what are the other options google search? do I eat my weight in chocolate and vent, blaming others are more accurately blaming the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Do I vent to a internet blog who holds no answer because surprising it does make me feel a little bit better.
But he will still walk into that door, i'll still have to plant on a happy face because it wont help him seeing me miserable.
It wont help his feeling of failure seeing how depressed I am. Feeling this way doesn't help anything, it wont make anything better, but never the less, there it is. Like black mold, you never see it until its too late, but you know something is off because there is a funky smell in the air.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
cross roads
Mitch lost his job again today.
as what happens when bad things happen to us, quite often, he sulks and i try to figure out to make it work out, how to make everything okay again, and how to make it better. It's stressful and messy and horrible, but here i am again.
So now my mind keeps going back to what i found last time he lost his job. Our desire to move out on be on our own. I found this little apartment in Roy, its terribly small and kind of scary, but i believe we could make it work. I think both me and Mitch are just so terrified of taking that much of a chance, what if it dosent work out, like everything else we have tried, what if it ends up biting us in the ass and we are in even more of deep then before. But how can we just keep doing what we have been doing. Maybe this constant job hoping is just natures way of telling us, its time to move on. There is something better, you just need to take a scary chance, a leap into the unknown.
The more i think about it, the more I think its the right thing to do. Mitch can transfer his school cred to the one up in Ogden. and we can be on our own. I desire it so much, something has to change, something has to be good for us. Because if it cant, if our lives are just one shitty thing after another, I don't know how long i can last.
So maybe, just maybe I can talk Mitch into thinking this might be possible, not only possible, but the best solution this cross roads we find ourselves..again.
http://www.utahhomes.com/property/details/348363/MLS-1207464/2182-W-5600-S-Roy-UT-84067.aspx?SearchID=7908832&RowNum=1&StateID=51&RegionID=0&IsRegularPS=True&IsSold=False
Something a little like that.
as what happens when bad things happen to us, quite often, he sulks and i try to figure out to make it work out, how to make everything okay again, and how to make it better. It's stressful and messy and horrible, but here i am again.
So now my mind keeps going back to what i found last time he lost his job. Our desire to move out on be on our own. I found this little apartment in Roy, its terribly small and kind of scary, but i believe we could make it work. I think both me and Mitch are just so terrified of taking that much of a chance, what if it dosent work out, like everything else we have tried, what if it ends up biting us in the ass and we are in even more of deep then before. But how can we just keep doing what we have been doing. Maybe this constant job hoping is just natures way of telling us, its time to move on. There is something better, you just need to take a scary chance, a leap into the unknown.
The more i think about it, the more I think its the right thing to do. Mitch can transfer his school cred to the one up in Ogden. and we can be on our own. I desire it so much, something has to change, something has to be good for us. Because if it cant, if our lives are just one shitty thing after another, I don't know how long i can last.
So maybe, just maybe I can talk Mitch into thinking this might be possible, not only possible, but the best solution this cross roads we find ourselves..again.
http://www.utahhomes.com/property/details/348363/MLS-1207464/2182-W-5600-S-Roy-UT-84067.aspx?SearchID=7908832&RowNum=1&StateID=51&RegionID=0&IsRegularPS=True&IsSold=False
Something a little like that.
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