Mitch will ask me how I'm feeling, often because he worries. But it's hard to explain. So here is what's happening. The other night Winnie would not sleep, 3 hours of just screaming at me for no reason. I tried everything.
By each passing hour I was staring at the wall, trying to remain calm. As time ticked by, my mind started to convince me it was my fault. It started to tell me I'm a horrible mother to both my kids. My little girl has no idea who I am and she hates me, she would be better of with someone else.
Now, I know a rational mind would hear those things and say shut the fuck up. She loves me and even as she screams there is nowhere I'd rather be then holding her through her rough night.
But I was not being rational. Mitch was asleep and snoring away next me, which after 3 hours was turning me somewhat homicidal.
So me being crazy and sleep deprived, I snapped, I shook mitch awake and started to scream/cry at him that he didn't care. I might as well not even be here. And pretty soon I won't be here, I'll just kill myself.
That's right, I said that, dramatic much? So then I gave the screaming infant to him and went to the bathroom to truly cry and plot the many ways I could kill myself.
This why baby blues is so dangerous, you could be going along just fine, maybe a little more tired, a little more angry, little things set you off easier. And then bam! It's not suddenly there is quick sand in front of you and the only thing to do is just sink.
Im on medication now, and I'm hoping it will work.
Because one cannot function when your trying to make waffles, but the waffle maker breaks, and you melt down into a crying emotional self abusive puddle for a few hours, also really happened.
I love my family and I adore my kids, these are things I know in my rational mind.
Maybe talking about these things will help too. I always feel so embarrassed and ashamed after I break down. When really what I should do is talk about it, ask for help. Next time wake mitch up before I go crazy and ask him to try and sooth her for a bit while I go collect myself.
