Sunday, July 2, 2017

Okay Google; How do I have self esteem?

Okay blog, we are going into sensitive areas here so don't judge. Do people get thier self esteem from others? Is there a certain body type that defines you as sexy, but once you're past that, then what? Is being too fat mean you can't feel sexy anymore?
I would like to say no, that's total bullshit. You're only as beautiful as you feel. But I'm not so sure lately. In particular as I'm fully naked, attempting to get a lusty reaction and nothing happens.
All the sudden, I'm fully aware of all my folds and saggy titties, and body hair in unsexy places. And I crawl away, hurriedly get dressed while he tells me its not me.
I want to be the type of woman who wouldn't be bothered, I want to take control, slam down and say no, you will get hard because I'm a sexy godess and you're penis should stand at attention and worship me!
Maybe there are none of those woman, maybe no matter what size you are, there are still times when you feel totally undesirable.
Maybe it is past a certain size. The size when everyone looks at you like you're gross. Past just a little chubby. Past acceptable fat. Can I get self esteem now? Knowing that I'm not as desirable as I was? I'd like to think so, just not sure how.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Random destress

I think I get it now. People would always say, excerise is a way to de stress. And I would look at them like the batshit crazy loons they are, but I get it now. I'm a stay at home mom, and I have a part time job, that I do from home (that is a boat laod of crazy, that I won't  get into right now).  I have picked up a few things in which to take up my time, like baking bread, which taste like happiness. So now, on days when I go to the gym with Mitch, after the kids have gone to bed, I find it oddly therapeutic.  It's my chance to get out of the house for a bit, because mom and I share a car, I'm stuck at home all the time. I get to just listen to music and let my mind wonder, or just watch something on tv without feeding a baby or having Erik sit on me. I'll probably never be a gym rat or super skinny, but I find myself looking forward to the hour a night just to myself.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Baby Blues

Mitch will ask me how I'm feeling, often because he worries. But it's hard to explain. So here is what's happening. The other night Winnie would not sleep, 3 hours of just screaming at me for no reason. I tried everything.
By each passing hour I was staring at the wall, trying to remain calm. As time ticked by, my mind started to convince me it was my fault. It started to tell me I'm a horrible mother to both my kids. My little girl has no idea who I am and she hates me, she would be better of with someone else.
Now, I know a rational mind would hear those things and say shut the fuck up. She loves me and even as she screams there is nowhere I'd rather be then holding her through her rough night.
But I was not being rational. Mitch was asleep and snoring away next me, which after 3 hours was turning me somewhat homicidal.
So me being crazy and sleep deprived,  I snapped, I shook mitch awake and started to scream/cry at him that he didn't care. I might as well not even be here. And pretty soon I won't be here, I'll just kill myself.
That's right, I said that, dramatic much? So then I gave the screaming infant to him and went to the bathroom to truly cry and plot the many ways I could kill myself.
This why baby blues is so dangerous, you could be going along just fine, maybe a little more tired, a little more angry, little things set you off easier. And then bam! It's not suddenly there is quick sand in front of you and the only thing to do is just sink.
Im on medication now, and I'm hoping it will work.
Because one cannot function when your trying to make waffles, but the waffle maker breaks, and you melt down into a crying emotional self abusive puddle for a few hours, also really happened.
I love my family and I adore my kids, these are things I know in my rational mind.
Maybe talking about these things will help too. I always feel so embarrassed and ashamed after I break down. When really what I should do is talk about it, ask for help. Next time wake mitch up before I go crazy and ask him to try and sooth her for a bit while I go collect myself.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Maybe just a tiny bit of ptsd

Well, it's been a whole week. My body is mending, way too slowly for my liking but everyday the stairs get just a tiny but easier. I'm having a hard time. That leads to having another hard time talking about it, because I'm very grateful to have my little girl.  I know we could just cuddle each other all day long and be perfectly happy.
But every night when I close my eyes to rest, my heart races, my lungs feel like they are about to burst.
A week ago, after the doctor looked me over and said, yeah c section is going to be the best option. I was so relieved, after 2 days of labor and pain, saying I was done is putting it lightly.
The operating room was very bright, so white it hurts the eyes. And there were just tables and tables lined with tools, and nurses nearby counting everything, double checking the doctor had everything he would need. It was all very efficient.
It was after they laid me on the table that I started to shake, they were prepping me and mitch wasn't there yet.
I was so relieved  when he came in, he came straight  to my side and said I'm here, already I felt better. Until the doctor said, the epidural is not working, we have to put her under. They told mitch he had to leave. I remember thinking with beyond a doubt that I would never see him again. I wanted to scream, and yell and make him stay but already they were putting the mask on my face.
That's when I felt more then saw someone sit in the chair mitch was in, and put their hand on my shoulder.
Obviously through it all I lived, our baby is beautiful and healthy, if a bit tiny.
But I can't get over that  gripping fear, that feel of them cutting me open, watching mitch walk away, certain I would never see him again.
This blog was really hard for me to write. It still all feels like it wasn't real. Sometimes I feel so detached from mitch and the baby. And he is so supportive  and wonderful but i feel like i really need to a whole day of holding every single one of my family. I didnt leave my babies without a mother, i didnt leave the love of my life all alone. We are fine, maybe someday I'll be able to get over the fear, but for now I just need my family. Let me hold my babies for just a little bit too long. And mitch, kiss me like there is no tomorrow, because even though there will many more tomorrows, that feeling is still very real to me.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Choices and emotions

So, here is the deal. I have two jobs. I really liked my two jobs, they were things i'm great at, and felt good doing. 
There was one more thing. Mitch and I had been trying to have a baby for two years, I know we are not in the best finical place at the moment, but my thoughts where, neither was I when I had Erik. Also, there is no point in waiting for a situation to be perfect in order to have something you both desperately want, just go for it. 
After two years we were starting to really loose hope. I know many women who will know what i'm talking about when you look down at yet another pregnancy test and its negative, or you've got rivers of blood pouring out of you. So after we finally got on insurance, I went to the doctor. Doctor said, lets do a test to see if you are ovulation first of all. Test came back that i was not ovulating, you know why? Because I was pregnant! whhhaaaatttt?!
Its been a few months now, and well to put it lightly, I am sick. I wake up feeling flu like symptoms, and they don't go away until about 11am. No matter what I do, and I have tried everything, because I like my job. I want to into my job in the mornings instead of laying in bed feeling like useless death. 
My thoughts lately have been on quitting my morning job. They are super nice people and so understanding, they made it perfectly clear to me, "we understand your situation, and come in when you can". But I feel guilty, I feel like they should be looking and hiring someone who is more reliable, Because I don't know if this sickness will go away (i freaking hope so). This pregnancy is very different when what happened with Erik, I don't know what to expect. So, do I quite? Can I just choose to not worry about the money. Can I just keep the focus on keeping my body as healthy as possible, spending time with Erik, having the time to make diner. If and when I feel nausea or a headache coming on, to just do lay down? 
I know Mitch will support me no matter what I decide, because he loves me. But I know he wants me to stay, I know he wants me to go into work, because I know that's how he feels he has a handle on our situation. No matter what happens, we will be able to afford it. I think the idea of not being able to afford the baby, is terrifying him more then anything else, and that's when IMS really kicks in, and that's a whole bag of shit better left alone.  That's just not me, money is just paper, paper is nice to have for many reasons, but in the end, you can really get by without it. My focus is on my body health and mental health. I feel like i really cannot go on doing two jobs. Thinking about doing a full day, 5 hours of dominion and 5 hours at datawise, and having Erik chat away at my ear because he still wants me to play with him, I can feel my blood pressure start to rise. 
So there is the choice, stay and have more money and my husbands peace of mind. Or leave, have less money, but more time to spend with Erik and helping my body prepare to push out a human being. 

Here is the emotions part, and why I think the person inside me is a girl. I'm having extreme  emotions, like so happy that I can't even breath, pissed off at everyone and everything, and don't talk to me or  I will bite your head off, like I did to the poor home health guy, or a blubbering mess of depression and self doubt. I warned Mitch I am the worst pregnant lady in the world. I think he is starting to get a sense of that. I feel bad for him and he does not know how to handle me like this. Believe it or not, i'm the level headed one in this relationship, and when the sane one flies the coos coos nest, that's when things get really bad. I hope we can both just hold on to each other in this roller coaster. Remember how much we love each other, and when its all over, one day we can laugh about it. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

The Terrible no good gotten very bad...year? last 5 years?

I don't know what to do. Mitch can't find a job, its been 3 months, and we got one unemployment check before they said, no we wont send anymore. and why? who the fuck knows. Speaking of fuck, none of the parents in our neighborhood will let erik play with their kids because he keeps swearing, he never starting swearing all the time until he started hanging out with other kids.
So anything good that ever happens goes all to hell, and no i'm really not being dramatic. Mitch gets a job, oh no he got laid off, fired because he had the flu and couldn't go into work. So mitch gets on unemployed. Good now we can try to get back on track, with the little bit this helps out, oh no, sorry you cant get that anymore, for some reason why wont say. Erik found some kids his own age to play with, oh no, sorry we are actually really terrible judge mental people, and instead of trying to resolve our issues, we are just gonna alienate a 6 year old.
Okay, Sierra is gonna find a better job, something that mets my qualifications because i really desire better then a craft store. oh no, sorry you actually really suck at everything you do, and "could be getting paid less"
every single solution I can possible come up with to make our lives better, even a tiny bit happier, just falls apart. How things are right now, nothing is going to change, i will never have another baby, because if i'm not working i'm eating my feelings and trying not to cry and kill myself and mitch, so erik will be left with not such terrible people as parents. We will never move out because for some reason no one wants to hire me or mitch for things we know how to do. So this is it, and can i really deal with this? no i cant, and neither can mitch. maybe to end it is the better option, maybe erik will have parents who can teach him not to do everything his friends tell him to do, and can help with his add and obsessiveness and his anger. because i'm failing, just like i'm failing at everything else, both my jobs, being a wife, being a mother.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Google Search, How can I tell if I'm depressed?

Are you feeling depressed? here is a long list of symptoms you may or may not be feeling.
I know what depression is, I know what it feels like, I know how to get ride of it, and most of all I know it can turn its ugly little head my way at the most unpleasant times.
Now is for sure an unpleasant time, with no insurance and no way of paying for a way to help me feel normal again, it only ads to feeling of helplessness i have towards my own life.
So then what are the other options google search? do I eat my weight in chocolate and vent, blaming others are more accurately blaming the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Do I vent to a internet blog who holds no answer because surprising it does make me feel a little bit better.
But he will still walk into that door, i'll still have to plant on a happy face because it wont help him seeing me miserable.
It wont help his feeling of failure seeing how depressed I am. Feeling this way doesn't help anything, it wont make anything better, but never the less, there it is. Like black mold, you never see it until its too late, but you know something is off because there is a funky smell in the air.