Well, it's been a whole week. My body is mending, way too slowly for my liking but everyday the stairs get just a tiny but easier. I'm having a hard time. That leads to having another hard time talking about it, because I'm very grateful to have my little girl. I know we could just cuddle each other all day long and be perfectly happy.
But every night when I close my eyes to rest, my heart races, my lungs feel like they are about to burst.
A week ago, after the doctor looked me over and said, yeah c section is going to be the best option. I was so relieved, after 2 days of labor and pain, saying I was done is putting it lightly.
The operating room was very bright, so white it hurts the eyes. And there were just tables and tables lined with tools, and nurses nearby counting everything, double checking the doctor had everything he would need. It was all very efficient.
It was after they laid me on the table that I started to shake, they were prepping me and mitch wasn't there yet.
I was so relieved when he came in, he came straight to my side and said I'm here, already I felt better. Until the doctor said, the epidural is not working, we have to put her under. They told mitch he had to leave. I remember thinking with beyond a doubt that I would never see him again. I wanted to scream, and yell and make him stay but already they were putting the mask on my face.
That's when I felt more then saw someone sit in the chair mitch was in, and put their hand on my shoulder.
Obviously through it all I lived, our baby is beautiful and healthy, if a bit tiny.
But I can't get over that gripping fear, that feel of them cutting me open, watching mitch walk away, certain I would never see him again.
This blog was really hard for me to write. It still all feels like it wasn't real. Sometimes I feel so detached from mitch and the baby. And he is so supportive and wonderful but i feel like i really need to a whole day of holding every single one of my family. I didnt leave my babies without a mother, i didnt leave the love of my life all alone. We are fine, maybe someday I'll be able to get over the fear, but for now I just need my family. Let me hold my babies for just a little bit too long. And mitch, kiss me like there is no tomorrow, because even though there will many more tomorrows, that feeling is still very real to me.
