Random destress

I think I get it now. People would always say, excerise is a way to de stress. And I would look at them like the batshit crazy loons they are, but I get it now. I'm a stay at home mom, and I have a part time job, that I do from home (that is a boat laod of crazy, that I won't  get into right now).  I have picked up a few things in which to take up my time, like baking bread, which taste like happiness. So now, on days when I go to the gym with Mitch, after the kids have gone to bed, I find it oddly therapeutic.  It's my chance to get out of the house for a bit, because mom and I share a car, I'm stuck at home all the time. I get to just listen to music and let my mind wonder, or just watch something on tv without feeding a baby or having Erik sit on me. I'll probably never be a gym rat or super skinny, but I find myself looking forward to the hour a night just to myself.

Baby Blues

Mitch will ask me how I'm feeling, often because he worries. But it's hard to explain. So here is what's happening. The other night Winnie would not sleep, 3 hours of just screaming at me for no reason. I tried everything.
By each passing hour I was staring at the wall, trying to remain calm. As time ticked by, my mind started to convince me it was my fault. It started to tell me I'm a horrible mother to both my kids. My little girl has no idea who I am and she hates me, she would be better of with someone else.
Now, I know a rational mind would hear those things and say shut the fuck up. She loves me and even as she screams there is nowhere I'd rather be then holding her through her rough night.
But I was not being rational. Mitch was asleep and snoring away next me, which after 3 hours was turning me somewhat homicidal.
So me being crazy and sleep deprived,  I snapped, I shook mitch awake and started to scream/cry at him that he didn't care. I might as well not even be here. And pretty soon I won't be here, I'll just kill myself.
That's right, I said that, dramatic much? So then I gave the screaming infant to him and went to the bathroom to truly cry and plot the many ways I could kill myself.
This why baby blues is so dangerous, you could be going along just fine, maybe a little more tired, a little more angry, little things set you off easier. And then bam! It's not suddenly there is quick sand in front of you and the only thing to do is just sink.
Im on medication now, and I'm hoping it will work.
Because one cannot function when your trying to make waffles, but the waffle maker breaks, and you melt down into a crying emotional self abusive puddle for a few hours, also really happened.
I love my family and I adore my kids, these are things I know in my rational mind.
Maybe talking about these things will help too. I always feel so embarrassed and ashamed after I break down. When really what I should do is talk about it, ask for help. Next time wake mitch up before I go crazy and ask him to try and sooth her for a bit while I go collect myself.

Maybe just a tiny bit of ptsd

Well, it's been a whole week. My body is mending, way too slowly for my liking but everyday the stairs get just a tiny but easier. I'm having a hard time. That leads to having another hard time talking about it, because I'm very grateful to have my little girl.  I know we could just cuddle each other all day long and be perfectly happy.
But every night when I close my eyes to rest, my heart races, my lungs feel like they are about to burst.
A week ago, after the doctor looked me over and said, yeah c section is going to be the best option. I was so relieved, after 2 days of labor and pain, saying I was done is putting it lightly.
The operating room was very bright, so white it hurts the eyes. And there were just tables and tables lined with tools, and nurses nearby counting everything, double checking the doctor had everything he would need. It was all very efficient.
It was after they laid me on the table that I started to shake, they were prepping me and mitch wasn't there yet.
I was so relieved  when he came in, he came straight  to my side and said I'm here, already I felt better. Until the doctor said, the epidural is not working, we have to put her under. They told mitch he had to leave. I remember thinking with beyond a doubt that I would never see him again. I wanted to scream, and yell and make him stay but already they were putting the mask on my face.
That's when I felt more then saw someone sit in the chair mitch was in, and put their hand on my shoulder.
Obviously through it all I lived, our baby is beautiful and healthy, if a bit tiny.
But I can't get over that  gripping fear, that feel of them cutting me open, watching mitch walk away, certain I would never see him again.
This blog was really hard for me to write. It still all feels like it wasn't real. Sometimes I feel so detached from mitch and the baby. And he is so supportive  and wonderful but i feel like i really need to a whole day of holding every single one of my family. I didnt leave my babies without a mother, i didnt leave the love of my life all alone. We are fine, maybe someday I'll be able to get over the fear, but for now I just need my family. Let me hold my babies for just a little bit too long. And mitch, kiss me like there is no tomorrow, because even though there will many more tomorrows, that feeling is still very real to me.