There was one more thing. Mitch and I had been trying to have a baby for two years, I know we are not in the best finical place at the moment, but my thoughts where, neither was I when I had Erik. Also, there is no point in waiting for a situation to be perfect in order to have something you both desperately want, just go for it.
After two years we were starting to really loose hope. I know many women who will know what i'm talking about when you look down at yet another pregnancy test and its negative, or you've got rivers of blood pouring out of you. So after we finally got on insurance, I went to the doctor. Doctor said, lets do a test to see if you are ovulation first of all. Test came back that i was not ovulating, you know why? Because I was pregnant! whhhaaaatttt?!
Its been a few months now, and well to put it lightly, I am sick. I wake up feeling flu like symptoms, and they don't go away until about 11am. No matter what I do, and I have tried everything, because I like my job. I want to into my job in the mornings instead of laying in bed feeling like useless death.
My thoughts lately have been on quitting my morning job. They are super nice people and so understanding, they made it perfectly clear to me, "we understand your situation, and come in when you can". But I feel guilty, I feel like they should be looking and hiring someone who is more reliable, Because I don't know if this sickness will go away (i freaking hope so). This pregnancy is very different when what happened with Erik, I don't know what to expect. So, do I quite? Can I just choose to not worry about the money. Can I just keep the focus on keeping my body as healthy as possible, spending time with Erik, having the time to make diner. If and when I feel nausea or a headache coming on, to just do lay down?
I know Mitch will support me no matter what I decide, because he loves me. But I know he wants me to stay, I know he wants me to go into work, because I know that's how he feels he has a handle on our situation. No matter what happens, we will be able to afford it. I think the idea of not being able to afford the baby, is terrifying him more then anything else, and that's when IMS really kicks in, and that's a whole bag of shit better left alone. That's just not me, money is just paper, paper is nice to have for many reasons, but in the end, you can really get by without it. My focus is on my body health and mental health. I feel like i really cannot go on doing two jobs. Thinking about doing a full day, 5 hours of dominion and 5 hours at datawise, and having Erik chat away at my ear because he still wants me to play with him, I can feel my blood pressure start to rise.
So there is the choice, stay and have more money and my husbands peace of mind. Or leave, have less money, but more time to spend with Erik and helping my body prepare to push out a human being.
Here is the emotions part, and why I think the person inside me is a girl. I'm having extreme emotions, like so happy that I can't even breath, pissed off at everyone and everything, and don't talk to me or I will bite your head off, like I did to the poor home health guy, or a blubbering mess of depression and self doubt. I warned Mitch I am the worst pregnant lady in the world. I think he is starting to get a sense of that. I feel bad for him and he does not know how to handle me like this. Believe it or not, i'm the level headed one in this relationship, and when the sane one flies the coos coos nest, that's when things get really bad. I hope we can both just hold on to each other in this roller coaster. Remember how much we love each other, and when its all over, one day we can laugh about it.
