Disney with the fatties.

After years of planning and saving we took the family to Disneyland.
In my usually fashion, I googled  and asked people thier opinions about EVERYTHING. I typed up a detailed listed literary of each ride we had to do each day of the park, we still missed a ton, even going for 4 days.
The only thing I could not find a lot of information on how Disneyland rides faired with overweight adults. I found a few blogs, only stating that the rides where pretty accessible.
But still, I was very nervous.
I've been to local theme parks before and summer carnivals and often publicly body shamed for my weight. Despite my outward confidence it's still something that bothers me.
I stressed up until we walked into the park, until the very first ride, the first test.
It was Indiana Jones, Mitch went without me because Gwenny was too young.
As it turns out, I honestly had nothing, zero to worry about. Not only where the rides incredibly accessible for the horizontally challenged, the staff were very helpful and discreet. All four days that we were there, not once did I feel judged or shamed about my weight on any ride.
I honestly just want to thank Disneyland, and all the staff. It made the difference in a great family vacation. And made every single of us, instant Disney fans. I can tell you, we will be back, more then a few times.
I think the small world ride summed up how I feel about my Disneyland experience. No matter what part of the world you come from, no matter your age, or size. All are welcome. Because it is a small world after all.
And the fatties money is just as good as the skinny folks 😂

Weight loss

Let's talk for a second about body image. While weight loss is great, it is not the end solution to any problems you have with your body. If you weren't okay with your weight at 200, you wont be happy with it at 100. Happiness does not come from how much you weight, it comes from inside, it comes from finding things about your body that you love. Sure, everyone feels more attractive after they loose weight, but is that really accepting or loving your body the way it is? I don't think so, you just changed it, you just changed the way you are to feel love, to feel sexier.
Let's try something else, let's try working on your self esteem issues, your body issues and not just acting like weight loss is the only answer to all your problems. What happens when you gain the weight back? Does your self worth go away? No, it really shouldn't.
On a side note, in those before and after pictures for weight loss. I always think they looked better before. You and your body know you like cake, so let your jiggle flag fly and cut another slice.
That is real positive body image .

Okay Google; How do I have self esteem?

Okay blog, we are going into sensitive areas here so don't judge. Do people get thier self esteem from others? Is there a certain body type that defines you as sexy, but once you're past that, then what? Is being too fat mean you can't feel sexy anymore?
I would like to say no, that's total bullshit. You're only as beautiful as you feel. But I'm not so sure lately. In particular as I'm fully naked, attempting to get a lusty reaction and nothing happens.
All the sudden, I'm fully aware of all my folds and saggy titties, and body hair in unsexy places. And I crawl away, hurriedly get dressed while he tells me its not me.
I want to be the type of woman who wouldn't be bothered, I want to take control, slam down and say no, you will get hard because I'm a sexy godess and you're penis should stand at attention and worship me!
Maybe there are none of those woman, maybe no matter what size you are, there are still times when you feel totally undesirable.
Maybe it is past a certain size. The size when everyone looks at you like you're gross. Past just a little chubby. Past acceptable fat. Can I get self esteem now? Knowing that I'm not as desirable as I was? I'd like to think so, just not sure how.

Random destress

I think I get it now. People would always say, excerise is a way to de stress. And I would look at them like the batshit crazy loons they are, but I get it now. I'm a stay at home mom, and I have a part time job, that I do from home (that is a boat laod of crazy, that I won't  get into right now).  I have picked up a few things in which to take up my time, like baking bread, which taste like happiness. So now, on days when I go to the gym with Mitch, after the kids have gone to bed, I find it oddly therapeutic.  It's my chance to get out of the house for a bit, because mom and I share a car, I'm stuck at home all the time. I get to just listen to music and let my mind wonder, or just watch something on tv without feeding a baby or having Erik sit on me. I'll probably never be a gym rat or super skinny, but I find myself looking forward to the hour a night just to myself.

Baby Blues

Mitch will ask me how I'm feeling, often because he worries. But it's hard to explain. So here is what's happening. The other night Winnie would not sleep, 3 hours of just screaming at me for no reason. I tried everything.
By each passing hour I was staring at the wall, trying to remain calm. As time ticked by, my mind started to convince me it was my fault. It started to tell me I'm a horrible mother to both my kids. My little girl has no idea who I am and she hates me, she would be better of with someone else.
Now, I know a rational mind would hear those things and say shut the fuck up. She loves me and even as she screams there is nowhere I'd rather be then holding her through her rough night.
But I was not being rational. Mitch was asleep and snoring away next me, which after 3 hours was turning me somewhat homicidal.
So me being crazy and sleep deprived,  I snapped, I shook mitch awake and started to scream/cry at him that he didn't care. I might as well not even be here. And pretty soon I won't be here, I'll just kill myself.
That's right, I said that, dramatic much? So then I gave the screaming infant to him and went to the bathroom to truly cry and plot the many ways I could kill myself.
This why baby blues is so dangerous, you could be going along just fine, maybe a little more tired, a little more angry, little things set you off easier. And then bam! It's not suddenly there is quick sand in front of you and the only thing to do is just sink.
Im on medication now, and I'm hoping it will work.
Because one cannot function when your trying to make waffles, but the waffle maker breaks, and you melt down into a crying emotional self abusive puddle for a few hours, also really happened.
I love my family and I adore my kids, these are things I know in my rational mind.
Maybe talking about these things will help too. I always feel so embarrassed and ashamed after I break down. When really what I should do is talk about it, ask for help. Next time wake mitch up before I go crazy and ask him to try and sooth her for a bit while I go collect myself.

Maybe just a tiny bit of ptsd

Well, it's been a whole week. My body is mending, way too slowly for my liking but everyday the stairs get just a tiny but easier. I'm having a hard time. That leads to having another hard time talking about it, because I'm very grateful to have my little girl.  I know we could just cuddle each other all day long and be perfectly happy.
But every night when I close my eyes to rest, my heart races, my lungs feel like they are about to burst.
A week ago, after the doctor looked me over and said, yeah c section is going to be the best option. I was so relieved, after 2 days of labor and pain, saying I was done is putting it lightly.
The operating room was very bright, so white it hurts the eyes. And there were just tables and tables lined with tools, and nurses nearby counting everything, double checking the doctor had everything he would need. It was all very efficient.
It was after they laid me on the table that I started to shake, they were prepping me and mitch wasn't there yet.
I was so relieved  when he came in, he came straight  to my side and said I'm here, already I felt better. Until the doctor said, the epidural is not working, we have to put her under. They told mitch he had to leave. I remember thinking with beyond a doubt that I would never see him again. I wanted to scream, and yell and make him stay but already they were putting the mask on my face.
That's when I felt more then saw someone sit in the chair mitch was in, and put their hand on my shoulder.
Obviously through it all I lived, our baby is beautiful and healthy, if a bit tiny.
But I can't get over that  gripping fear, that feel of them cutting me open, watching mitch walk away, certain I would never see him again.
This blog was really hard for me to write. It still all feels like it wasn't real. Sometimes I feel so detached from mitch and the baby. And he is so supportive  and wonderful but i feel like i really need to a whole day of holding every single one of my family. I didnt leave my babies without a mother, i didnt leave the love of my life all alone. We are fine, maybe someday I'll be able to get over the fear, but for now I just need my family. Let me hold my babies for just a little bit too long. And mitch, kiss me like there is no tomorrow, because even though there will many more tomorrows, that feeling is still very real to me.

Choices and emotions

So, here is the deal. I have two jobs. I really liked my two jobs, they were things i'm great at, and felt good doing. 

There was one more thing. Mitch and I had been trying to have a baby for two years, I know we are not in the best finical place at the moment, but my thoughts where, neither was I when I had Erik. Also, there is no point in waiting for a situation to be perfect in order to have something you both desperately want, just go for it. 

After two years we were starting to really loose hope. I know many women who will know what i'm talking about when you look down at yet another pregnancy test and its negative, or you've got rivers of blood pouring out of you. So after we finally got on insurance, I went to the doctor. Doctor said, lets do a test to see if you are ovulation first of all. Test came back that i was not ovulating, you know why? Because I was pregnant! whhhaaaatttt?!

Its been a few months now, and well to put it lightly, I am sick. I wake up feeling flu like symptoms, and they don't go away until about 11am. No matter what I do, and I have tried everything, because I like my job. I want to into my job in the mornings instead of laying in bed feeling like useless death. 

My thoughts lately have been on quitting my morning job. They are super nice people and so understanding, they made it perfectly clear to me, "we understand your situation, and come in when you can". But I feel guilty, I feel like they should be looking and hiring someone who is more reliable, Because I don't know if this sickness will go away (i freaking hope so). This pregnancy is very different when what happened with Erik, I don't know what to expect. So, do I quite? Can I just choose to not worry about the money. Can I just keep the focus on keeping my body as healthy as possible, spending time with Erik, having the time to make diner. If and when I feel nausea or a headache coming on, to just do lay down? 

I know Mitch will support me no matter what I decide, because he loves me. But I know he wants me to stay, I know he wants me to go into work, because I know that's how he feels he has a handle on our situation. No matter what happens, we will be able to afford it. I think the idea of not being able to afford the baby, is terrifying him more then anything else, and that's when IMS really kicks in, and that's a whole bag of shit better left alone.  That's just not me, money is just paper, paper is nice to have for many reasons, but in the end, you can really get by without it. My focus is on my body health and mental health. I feel like i really cannot go on doing two jobs. Thinking about doing a full day, 5 hours of dominion and 5 hours at datawise, and having Erik chat away at my ear because he still wants me to play with him, I can feel my blood pressure start to rise. 

So there is the choice, stay and have more money and my husbands peace of mind. Or leave, have less money, but more time to spend with Erik and helping my body prepare to push out a human being. 

Here is the emotions part, and why I think the person inside me is a girl. I'm having extreme  emotions, like so happy that I can't even breath, pissed off at everyone and everything, and don't talk to me or  I will bite your head off, like I did to the poor home health guy, or a blubbering mess of depression and self doubt. I warned Mitch I am the worst pregnant lady in the world. I think he is starting to get a sense of that. I feel bad for him and he does not know how to handle me like this. Believe it or not, i'm the level headed one in this relationship, and when the sane one flies the coos coos nest, that's when things get really bad. I hope we can both just hold on to each other in this roller coaster. Remember how much we love each other, and when its all over, one day we can laugh about it.